after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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