So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
