I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
