Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
