Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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