I can text with my tongue
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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