The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
