Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
