there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
