i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
