The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
