I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
