By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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