There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
