21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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