UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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