dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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