i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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