either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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