I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
