I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My ass is underappreciated
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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