Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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