I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
