I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
