How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
