oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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