Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
