I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
