it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
