I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
