I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
