i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
