can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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