thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
