when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
