i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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