Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
40s are totally the cure
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
