last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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