I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize