On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just high enough for therapy.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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