There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
