Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
