when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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