I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
