mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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