he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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