I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
