he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
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