He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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