life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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