It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
