I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
