I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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