My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
