woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
