i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
