My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize