Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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