DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
