Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
