If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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