she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Randomize
