Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
